Friday, June 14, 2019

Funny Friday


Another Friday folks, so time for some funnies. 

The theme this week is country and western music, so a double caution is needed: 
First, risquรฉ content ahead, don’t proceed if you may be offended. 
Second, country and western music jokes ahead, don’t proceed if you may be offended. 


What kind of music do you usually have here? 

Oh, we got both kinds. We got country and western. 

- Blues Brothers


A flea died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met it at the gate and explained that it could choose how it could spend the rest of eternity. 

SP: "Have you thought about it? Do you know how you'd like to spend the rest of eternity?" 

Flea: "Yes St. Peter, I have thought about it, I'd like to spend the rest of eternity on the back of a rich lady's dog." 

SP: "So be it, it's done." 

A few weeks later St. Peter was wondering about the flea and so he called. 

SP: "Flea, how are you doing?" 

Flea: "Oh St. Peter, I made a terrible mistake. This old broad washes her dog two to three times a day, she perfumes it, and I'm nauseous and I have a headache from the smell." 

SP: "Well you know that you aren't supposed to get more than one choice on how to spend the rest of eternity, but you are supposed to be happy. Have you thought about what else you might like to do?" 

Flea: "Oh yes St Peter! I have thought about it and I'm sorry I didn't bring it up before, I'd like to spend it in Willie Nelson's beard." 

SP: "So be it, it's done." 

Out of curiosity St. Peter checked on the flea a few weeks later. 

SP: "Hello flea, how are you doing now?" 

Flea: "I'm sorry St. Peter, I'm not doing well at all. I get waked up in the middle of the night, get drenched with beer, foul language all the time and I keep getting woozy with some white powder that flies around. It's Hell, St. Peter, I'm miserable!" 

SP: "You know, flea, you're not supposed to be able to change your mind about how you spend the rest of eternity, but you say this is 'Hell', have you considered what else you might like to do?" 

Flea: "Oh St Peter, YES! I HAVE thought about it and I have decided that I'd like to spend the rest of eternity in Dolly Parton's bush." 

SP: "So be it, it's done." 

Not being able to stand his curiosity St. Peter decided to check on the flea again after a few weeks. 

SP: "How's it going flea?" 

Flea: "Oh hi St. Peter, well, it's kind of strange... You see there was this big party. There was lots of singing and dancing, I got bounced around a lot and there was this weird smoke in the air that made me dizzy. There were hands all over me and I don't quite remember all that happened, but would you believe it? I'm back in Willie Nelson's beard!" 


What do you get when you play country music backward? 

Your wife returns, the crops start growing and your dog comes back to life. 


The Best and Worst of Country Western Song Titles:

1.Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed 

2.Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye 

3.Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her heart Was Pure 

4.How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 

5.I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me? 

6.I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling 

7.I Got In At 2 With A "10" And Woke Up At 10 With A "2" 

8.I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine 

9.I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal 

10.I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You 

11.I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well 

12.I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better 

13.I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 

14.I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite 

15.I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here 

16.I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying Over You 

17.If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 

18.If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now 

19.Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) 

20.My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus 

21.My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him 

22.Please Bypass This Heart 

23.She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger 

24.You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat 

25.You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly 

If'n y'all are thinkin' that there ain't no such songs with them there titles, then use the last one as an example to widen your itty bitty minds. . . 

There is a version by Loretta Lynn and Conway Twitty that can be heard by clicking on:

Here are the lrics:

You're the Reason Our Kids are Ugly

You're the reason I'm ridin' 'round on recapped tyres
An' you're the reason I'm hangin' our clothes outside on walls
An' you're the reason our kids are ugly, little darling
Ah, but looks ain't everything
And money ain't everything
But, I love you just the same
You're the reason I changed to beer from soda pop
An' you're the reason I never get to go to the beauty shop
You're the reason our kids are ugly, little darling
Oh, but looks ain't everything
And money ain't everything
But, I love you just the same
I guess that we won't ever have, everything we need
'Cause when we get ahead, it's got another mouth to feed
And that's the reason my good looks and my figure's gone
And that's the reason I ain't got no hair to comb
An' you're the reason our kids are ugly, little darling
Ah but looks ain't everything
And money ain't everything
But, I love you just the same
Conway, why in the devil don't you gon'
And shave an' put on a clean pair of pants?
Loretta, look at yourself
I wish you'd take them curlers out of your hair
An' go put on a little bit of make up
An' get out of the housecoat before supper
Ha well let me tell you somethin', Conway
Considerin' everything I went through today
I look like a movie star
Yeah, Ruth Cassidy
Thank you
Besides that
All of our kids took after your part of our family anyway
Oh they did, huh? What about the one's that's bald?
Well, I guess you might say they took after me


I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who DO like country music, 'denigrate' means 'put down.' 

- Bob Newhart 


From the vault ( a non country & western music item) . . . 

Two nuns are driving through the country when a little devil pops up and jumps on their bonnet. 

One of the nuns is really nervous but the other says “Don't worry, wind down the window and show him your cross.” 

So the nun winds down the window and calls out “Hey, shithead, get the fuck off my car!” 


Limerick of the Week: 

There was a young man from Newcastle, 
Who could wrap himself up like a parcel, 
And in that position, 
He did a rendition, 

Of God Save the Queen through his arsehole. 




Corn Corner: 

I was told that most country and western songs are about common everyday events. I decided to try it for myself. I accidently spilled some beer on my stove was traumatic as it was my last one. I will relate it to you in song... 
Foam, foam on the range. 
Where my beer tipped over and sprayed. 
Where seldom is heard, 
A discouraging word 
Cuz what can some spilled beer foam say? 

What has 72 legs and 26 teeth? 
The first row at a Willie Nelson concert!


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