Friday, June 21, 2019

Funny Friday

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Some long ones, some short ones and some in between, but as they say, size isn't everything.  Enjoy the jokes , ,  ,

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VOTT'S UPPEN, KLAUS??? 

Background: A firm in Germany ordered macaroni from a firm in the United States. While the macaroni was enroute, a couple of boxes broke open and some rats nested in the macaroni. The German firm sent the following letter concerning the condition of the macaroni. 

WILHELMSTRASSEE 135 
HAMBURG, GERMANY 

SCHENTLEMENS: 

DER LAST TWO PACKESCHES VE GOT FROM YOU OF MACARONI WAS MITT RATTSCHIDT GEMIXT. DER MACARONI MAY BE GUT ENUFF, BUT DER RATTCURDS SCHPOILS DER TRADE. VE DID NOT SEE DER RATTCURDS IN DER SEMBLES VICH YOU SENT US FOR EXAMINASHUM. 

VE ORDER DER KLEEN MACARONI AND YOU SHIPT SCHIDT MIT DER MACARONI, IT VAS A MISTAKE, YA? ID TAKES SO MUCH TIME TO PIK DER RATTCURDS FROM DER MACARONI VE LIKE YOU TO SCHIP US DER MACARONI IN VUN SAK UND DER RATTSCHIDT IN DER ODDER SAK, DEN VE MIX IT TO SUIT DER CUSTOMER. 

PLEASE WRITE IF VE SHULDT SHIPP DER SCHIDT BAK UND KEEPEN DER MACARONI, OR VE SHULDT KEEP DER SCHIDT UND SCHIPP DER MACARONI BAK OR SCHIPP DER WHOLE SCHIDDEN VORKS BAK. 

VE VANT TO DO RITE IN DIS MADDER, BUT VE DUNT LIK DISS RATTSCHIDT BUSINESS. 

MIT MUCH REAPAKIS, 

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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. Wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. 

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party. 

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. 

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. 

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. 

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: 

Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there. 

Did you dance much? 

I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......." 

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ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS 

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. 

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message. 

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. 

4. Hi. Now YOU say something. 

5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. 

6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you? 

7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner! 

8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. 

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. 

10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call. 

11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you!!!! 

12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back. 

13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message. 

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. 

15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. 

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From the vault: 

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replies "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock." 

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Limerick of the week:

(Caution: risque content) 

There was a young girl named Sapphire, 
Who succumbed to her lover’s desire, 
She said “It’s a sin, 
But now that it’s in, 
Could you shove it a few inches higher?” 

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Corn Corner: 

(Courtesy of Graham E – thanks Graham) . . . 

I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician. 
I was just sitting around doing nothing. 

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife. 
I usually only smoke Marlboro, but hey...a deal’s a deal. 

I recently bought a new toilet brush. 
Long story short; I’m going back to paper. 

My pregnant wife asked me if I was worried the temperature would be too hot for the baby inside her. 
I said: “Nope. It’s pwobably womb temperature.”



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